Oral hygiene tycoons have come clean about the biggest cover-up since Watergate.
In the wake of the breaking report that there is weak evidence to show that flossing works, rich executives everywhere have handed themselves in to the authorities for their deserved punishment.
Howie Cheetham of Blead-Hemdry Industries said, “It was too good to last. The racket of making people buy floss out of guilt, only to never use it and then months later buy some more because they thought they had somehow run out?”
“My empire was built on floss blood money. It made diamond mining and gym membership plans look almost ethical.”
Patient Constance Peignton stated, “I’m glad my lifetime of negligent oral hygiene has been vindicated. From now on I vow to only read scientific articles that support my poor life decisions.”
Dental hygienist Grace Eaves reported, “I believe there is also only weak evidence that breathing is good for you. Because nobody has done any studies on it. Because it’s bloody obvious.”